Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The OFFICE.... But Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk.... NOW!!!

5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office....... but isn't:

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!


Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in GOLF.... But Aren't:

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker

7. Look at the size of his putter

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf ........but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first


Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In LAW..... But Aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law........ but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Craft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."



From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J. Clinton:

10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess

9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate

8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit

7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal

6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore

5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses

4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life

3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof

2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:

1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral


TOP TEN THINGS CLINTON WILL DO AFTER IMPEACHMENT

10. Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her thirteen half-brothers and sisters.

9. A tour of the nationīs prisons to improve conditions, visit friends.

8. Step one: appear on "Oprah." Step two: hug orphan. Step three: all is forgiven.

7. Attend UFO conventions, show off preserved bodies of aliens he smuggled out of the Pentagon.

6. Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History."
5. Buy a Hooters franchise.

4. Buy a Burger King franchise.

3. Buy another Hooters franchise.

2. Come to grips with the fact that regular people just canīt go around dropping their pants.

1. Trash the dump before Gore moves in.

Top10 Signs You Bought a Bad Computer

10) Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9) It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8) In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7) It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6) The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5) Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4) The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3) The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2) The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1) You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.



Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

10- Does this come in children's sizes?
9- No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
8-I'll be in the dressing room going blind. (think about it.)
7-Mom will love this.
6- Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
5-No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
4-Will you model this for me???
3-Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
2- 45 bucks!! You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
and the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's secret:
1 -The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

The Top Ten Signs That You Need A New Computer:

10) You can only send email to people whose address contains the letters g, u , f, 7 and the percent sign.
9) You have to hotwire the motherboard to get her started.
8) You can see into the CPU through some holes.
7) Your mouse is wooden.
6) When deleting some files, you end up actually having LESS space than before.
5) You can't seem to find anything made for Windows 3.0.
4) An species of extinct inscent is lodged in your floppy drive.
3) That floppy drive is the size of a pizza box.
2) The company that made it doesn't exist anymore.
1) The processor is sub-286.

10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY ON HALLOWEEN, BUT AREN'T...

1. So...What'd you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldnt get my mouth around it!!!!

-= Top Ten Mike Tyson Excuses =-

10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off"
9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos"
8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters
7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!
6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith
5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy"
4. Ears is tasty
3. "It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me"
2. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his a** kicked all over the ring" *
1. He ran out of gum

Top 20 Reasons why Sex is Better then Chocolate

  1. You can GET chocolate.
  2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
  3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
  4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
  5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
  6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
  7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
  8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
  9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
  10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
  11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
  12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
  13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
  14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
  15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
  16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
  17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
  18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
  19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
  20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.



10 things not to do in the nude

10. Fry bacon
9. Arc weld
8. Bathe a cat
7. Operate a snow blower
6. Clear a patch of poison ivy
5. Insulate the attic with fiberglass
4. Operate a lathe
3. Present a children's television show
2. Take Mass with the Pope
And the Number 1 thing not to do in the nude: 1. Pick up a dime from a San Francisco sidewalk

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN MONICA LEWINSKY'S TESTIMONY

10. Ken Starr's original request was for Monica's dress with the *sequin* on it.
9. She still has the blue jumper she wore in kindergarten when Johnny threw his spaghetti at Suzy and missed.
8. Sometimes, even the president just likes to cuddle.
7. Linda Tripp confided that she hopes Ed Asner plays her in the movie.
6. Out of all the gifts he gave her, the gold-embossed "Get out of jail free" card from the Franklin Mint's edition of Monopoly showed how thoughtful the President really is.
5. Despite his centrist politics, Bill's more of a "leftist," if you get my drift.
4. Although not advertised, anyone who surfed to www.MyFirstPresident.com saw the whole thing!
3. Clinton's fondness for berets once led to an embarrassing incident with Saddam Hussein.
2. Surprise introduction of semen-stained window drapes, car hood and toaster cozy.
And the Number 1 Surprise in Monica Lewinsky's Testimony
1. Turns out BILL was the one wearing the dress.

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