Q: Why is a turd better than a woman?
A: Because after you lay a turd you don't have to hug and kiss it.
Q: Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
A: It's for foul balls.
Q: Why do Africans wear Baggy pants?
A: Because their knee grows.
Q: What tastes good on pie but not on pussy?
A: Crust.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?
A: Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.
Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So no one confuses them with feminists.
Q: What's green, and has 12 tits?
A: A garbage bag at a breast cancer clinic.
Q: What is the difference between American sewers and Mexican sewers?
A: Mexican sewers have diving boards!
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
Q: Did you see Roman Polanski's new movie?
A: Close Encounters With The Third Grade.
Q: What's the definition of a woman?
A: Life support for a vagina.
Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids
Q: How can you pick an Italian air plane?
A: They're the ones with the hair under the wings.
Q: What's the definition of a virgin?
A: An ugly second grader.
Q: Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook?
A: 100 ways to wok your dog.
Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So when you pull on their tits they don't shit on you.
Q: What do white babies become when they die?
A: Angels.
Q: What do black babies become when they die?
A: Bats.
Q: Why did god create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could get laid too.
Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says,
"Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.
Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A: Two faggots with hemorrhoids.
Q: Why do they bury Aborigines 100 feet underground?
A: Because deep, deep down they're nice people.
Q: Why did the Pakistani trade his wife for an outhouse?
A: Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.
Q: What's the difference between a circumcision and a crucifixion?
A: In a crucifixion they throw out the whole Jew.
Q: Why do birds fly upside down over Italy?
A: Because there's nothing worth shitting on.
Q: What's the first thing a women released from a battered women's shelter should do?
A: The dishes, if she's smart.
Q: What's the most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex?
A: What time will your husband get home?
Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.
Q: Why does everyone wants to work at the impotency clinic?
A: It's a soft job.
Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
A: It seats 500.
Q: What's the difference between wives and secretaries?
A: Secretaries get a little behind at work, wives get a big behind at home.
Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: When your girlfriend does a split and your best friends class ring falls out.
Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
A: He wiped the chain and pulled himself.
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: "I can do so much better."
Q: What did he say after he created woman?
A: "Guess I was wrong!"
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
Q: What's worse than your best friend telling you that he's a faggot?
A: When he tells you that he fucked you that night you passed out drunk on his couch!
Q: Why don't Italians eat flies?
A: They can't get their little legs apart.
Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A: A scrotum pole!
Q: Why won't Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu give
the Palestinian's their land back?
A: Because it's in his wife's name.
Q: What is the definition of "making love?"
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.
Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A: Because they couldn't fit all that shit into a sneaker.
Q: Why don't women have brains?
A: They don't have a cock to keep them in!
Q: How do we know God is a man?
A: Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
Q: Why do they play on artificial turf in Poland?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
Q: How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood?
A: The Blacks get car insurance.
Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
Q: Did you hear about the Irish Tap Dancer?
A: She fell into the sink.
Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: Salad Shooter
Q: How do you get four faggots to share a barstool?
Q: Turn it upside down!
Q: What do you do if you see a Vietnamese drowning?
A: Throw in his wife and kids!
Q: What do 60,000 abused woman have in common?
A: They don't fuckin listen!
Q: What do you call a thick fingered lesbian?
A: Well hung
Q: What's the most amazing thing about AIDS?
A: It can turn a fruit into a vegetable!
Q: What did the Mexican do with his first 50 cent piece?
A: He married her.
Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
A: The players don't yell "FORE!" they yell "$3.99!"
Q: What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas?
A: Leukemia.
Q: Why aren't there any Indians on the starship enterprise?
A: Because they don't work in the future either.
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?
A: He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: Did you hear about the homo Mountie?
A: He jumped on his whistle and blew his horse.
Q: What do you call a Muslim roofing contractor?
A: Shiite on a shingle.
Q: Why is a pedophile like the turtle?
A: 'Cause he got there before the hare.
Q: What do you call a woman in the army?
A: A WAC.
Q: What do you call a black woman in the army?
A: A WACOON.
Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it!
Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster?
A: My zipper.
Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.
Q: How do you know if a man has a really ugly wife?
A: Her pet name is "Spot".
Q: What is green, two miles long and has an arsehole every two feet?
A: The St Patrick's Day parade.
Q: Why was John Wayne's toilet paper taken off the market?
A: Because it was rough, tough, and didn't take shit from any asshole.
Q: Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A: So they can look like their mothers.
Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident?
A: Some prick cut her off.
Q: What was Adolf Hitler's favorite song?
A: "If I knew you were coming I'd have baked a kike!"
Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Station Wagon?
A: Not only can it TURN on a dime, but it can pick one up.
Q: Why don't employers give blondes coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to re train them.
Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer said to Lorena Bobbitt?
A: "You gonna eat that?"
Q: Did you know 70% of the faggot population were born that way?
A: The other 30% were sucked into it.
Q: Why do women parachutists wear tampons?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
Q: What do you call an empty beer bottle in an Indian reserve?
A: An Indian artifact
Q: What do you call two faggots on a waterbed?
A: A fruit float!
Q: What's the definition of a maniac?
A: An Italian in a whorehouse with a credit card.
Q: Why are synagogues round?
A: So the Jews have nowhere to run when they pass out the collection plate.
Q: What do you call a Jewish woman's waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea.
Q: What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You can't gargle sand!
Q: What do you get when you cross a homo Eskimo and a black?
A: A snowblower that doesn't work.
Q: What's the Latin name for a lesbian?
A: Strapadictomy.
Q: What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hairballs.
Q: What do you call a homo Jewish Male?
A: A Heblew.
Q: How do you confuse a Scientologist?
A: Hand him a personality test that has "see other side" written on both sides.
Q: Which is the odd one out? TV, Fridge, Washing Machine, Woman.
A: The TV. The other three leak when they're fucked!
Q: What's white, jelly-like and runs down a public toilet wall?
A: George Michaels' latest release.
Q: Did you hear that George Michael was found dead in his cell?
A: Apparently the cause of death was a massive stroke.
Q: What are George Michael's favorite baseball teams?
A: The Expos and the Yanks.
Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the Abo's to the tip.
Q: Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
A: Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.
Q: How do you get a hippie to stop rolling joints?
A: Cut off his fingers.
Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman washing her fanny?
A: A nun has a soul full of hope.
Q: Why is being in the Army like a PG movie?
A: Too much violence and not enough sex.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q: What did the Pollack do before going to the cockfight?
A: Greased his zipper.
Q: How do faggots dispose of their condoms?
A: By Farting
Q: Why don't Italians have freckles?
A: They slide off.
Q: What does a toilet and a woman have in common?
A: Without the hole in the middle they aren't worth shit.
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield?
A: It's arsehole.
Q: What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss?
A: A kidney dialysis machine!
Q: How do you take a head count in Israel?
A: Roll a quarter down the street.
Q: How can you pick an Irish pirate?
A: He wears a patch over both eyes.
Q: What's the logo for the new Irish tampon?
A: "We may not be number 1, but were still up there!
Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: So that they match the appliances.
Q: How do you spot a kiwi in a shoe shop
A: He's the one standing near the moccasins with a hard-on.
Q: What is the proper thing to throw at a pregnant bride at her wedding?
A: Puffed rice.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl in Poland?
A: A tourist!
Q: What's the hardest part of a sex change operation?
A: Removing half the brain.
Q: Why did God give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.