Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I learry sick .
Got headache, stomach ache and regs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel gleat.. I be at work soon........ by the way.....you got nice house'.
====================
A guy went into his proctologist's office for his first rectal exam.
The nurse, Helen (new to the job), took him to an examining room and told him to get undressed and to have a seat until the doctor could see him.
She said that the doc would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave him, he sat down. While waiting, he observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of lubricant
A rubber glove
And a beer
When the doctor finally came in he said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam..
I know what the lubricant is for ...And I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that Doctor Dan scrunched up his face in irritation and stormed over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse...
Darn it Helen !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT!
====================
Obama Angry with Texas:
Says he'll never come back here and will do all he can to convince us to secede!
Here's why...
THEY SAY THIS HAPPENED IN WACO!!! Obama will be making no more public
speeches in Texas .... He claims every time he gets up on stage to make a
speech, some damn West Texas cotton farmer starts bidding on him
====================
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
====================
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a
window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before
takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the
Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the
Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't
get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in
it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That
looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to
fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe
and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the
flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened.. He leaned over and asked his Arab
neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
====================
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor... "Do you do
custom work?" she asks the artist.
"Why of course!" says the tattoo artist.
"Good," she says. "I'd like a portrait of Robert
Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a
portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my
left thigh. And I want them both looking at
my tootie."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist
down and get up on the table." After two hours of
hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
"That doesn't look like them!" she complains
loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I
can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop
and grabs the first man off the street he can find;
it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks,
]spreading her legs apart for the drunk man. "Do
you know who these men are?" The drunk studys
the tattoos for a couple of seconds and says, "I'm
not sure who the guys on either side are, but the
fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"
====================
Sheila and George were spending the first night of their
honeymoon in a quaint medieval town in France. To add
piquancy to the evening, Sheila suggested coyly that
they make love every time the old night watchman rang
his hourly bell.
George smiled in delight at this prospect, but four
rings later he pretended that he had to go out to get
some cigarettes and staggered off to the watchman's tower.
"Listen, old man," he wheezed to that worthy, "do me a
favor, will you? For the rest of the night, ring that
bell of yours at two-hour intervals instead of hourly!"
"Ah," replied the ancient watchman, fingering his
mustache, "I would be happy to oblige, monsieur, but I
cannot do this."
"Why not?" George demanded. "I'll give you money, if
that's what's troubling you!"
"Not at all," the old man responded. "You see, a
beautiful young lady has already bribed me to ring the
bell every half hour."
====================
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====================
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======================================================================
YEAH I KNOW THE ECONOMY IS IN THE CRAPPER BUT WE STILL NEED TO HAVE FUN!
TREAT YOURSELF OR YOUR PARTNER TO A NEW TOY AND HAVE FUN
=====================================================================
"Hi Mom, How are you?"
"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the hardware store."
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head.
"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker"
======================================================================
Curly's Classic Joke Of The Day!
A married couple go to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.
The counselor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, lets
talk about something you both have in common."
The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick".
